Sometimes I fear I may never find true love. And yes, I know I’m young. I know that I still have more than plenty of time to find someone but with my luck it feels like it will never happen. My problem is I love too hard. I fall easily and I don’t think anyone has ever been able to match that. I want to be in love. I want someone who will sing me all the beautiful melodies I once sang to those I have given my love to. I want something wholesome. I’m tired of people wanting “situationships” or “sneaky links.” When did love become so toxic? When did it become so temporary and unfulfilling? I know true love exists, the world has shown me so may examples. I’ve talked to people here and there. I have gone on dates and tried meeting new people but nothing deeper than that. I stopped seeing people after one of the guys I went on a date with said something to me that made me have a huge reality check.
We were having an honest conversation once we realized that what we had wasn’t going anywhere where he said “the problem is, you’re just a pretty face. No one wants to get to know you, they just want to hit and eventually leave when they get the girl they actually want.” I didn’t know what to say. I just stayed quiet for a while when I realized maybe it was true. I wasn’t having sex with these people, which is probably why they would leave quickly. I wasn’t giving in to what they wanted from me. The thing is, all I wanted was to find a partner. I know that I have so much to offer someone. I know the kind of girlfriend I can be, but no one sees me in that way. It made me realize that it has been such a long time since someone has actually known me and I mean really known me. Anyone can take me to fancy dinners, bring me flowers and tell me I look pretty. What I really want is for someone to know the exact moment when I’m about to sneeze because I flail my hand in front of my face before doing so. I want someone to know my silly eating habits and will pick out the tomatoes from my food. I want someone who knows to bring Altoids with them just in case I forget mine because I get nauseous after eating if the taste lingers in my mouth for too long. But instead, everything is superficial. It’s always just them liking my Instagram stories when I post a cute selfie. A makeout session turned touchy on the first date. All I want is for someone to see that I’m much more than that. My mind is what I think is the most beautiful part of me. I just want to share that with someone. That’s the way I love when I give it and sadly I don’t think anyone has ever felt the same way about me.
Love is something I will forever continue to yearn. I like to tell people that whatever comes, comes and I’m not rushing it. While it’s true that I want the right person to come naturally and on their own time, I can’t help but feel like it will never happen. I just wish that if my destiny is to be alone, that the desire to be loved would just go away.
If My Heart Could Speak 