If My Heart Could Speak

Accept

It took me a very long time to understand that we don’t always get what we want. Regardless of how hard you fight for something, how much effort you put in, you won’t always get the outcome you work for. I spent almost a year trying to make it work. Trying to be perfect enough to get what I wanted. The reality was that the more I forced it into my life, the more I ended up pushing it away. I tried too hard. I let it consume my life, constantly thinking of ways to have what I wanted and it was no longer allowing me to flourish. I sat down one day and really thought about it. I couldn’t keep living like this. I kept chasing a dream that died. I let the “what if” take control and I no longer felt like myself. I lost sight of what I truly wanted and I had never felt so lost in my life. I learned to accept that I was not going to get what I wanted. I will admit, it was difficult to process. I broke down crying several times over the fact my efforts weren’t good enough. I slowly realized that what hurt more than not getting what I wanted was that I no longer was living the life I wanted. With that realization, I had to make a change if I wanted to get better.

Let go

Letting go meant I needed to re-wire my brain. I had strayed so far away from myself that I needed to regain the parts of me that I left behind. I stopped putting all my attention on the wrong things and started paying attention to myself. I focused on what I needed versus what I wanted. I needed my sense of self back. I didn’t want to be this person I created. It was never truly me. It was a version of myself I created to get everything I wanted but it wasn’t me. I started to make it a point to give myself the space to grieve first. I cried it all out, let myself feel the pain, but I never stayed there for too long. I started to humanize myself again. I reconnected with myself slowly. I started with my interests. I started collecting records again, and every time I hunt, I pick up records I have always loved. Without the judgement of whoever doesn’t agree with my music taste. Then I rekindled my style. I have always loved dark colors, black specifically. I redyed my hair to black, busted out my dark lip combos and donated my bright clothes that no longer resonated. I started taking care of myself more. I stopped eating out frequently and made more conscious decisions about what I was putting into my body. The more I poured into myself, the more I realized I stopped thinking about what I had now left behind. I stopped checking in, I stopped seeking the attention and most importantly, I stopped letting it consume me. I had let go fully.

Move on

I now feel the most confident I have ever felt. Not only in my appearance but in my well being. I am in tune with myself, my life, my capabilities and everything else in the world. I became conscious of the environment around me and there is so much more to life than dwelling on one single thing. What’s most interesting is that once you open up to the world around you, you notice things that you were blind to before. What I’ve always wanted was in front of me the entire time, just in a different way. I allowed it into my life, but this time, I didn’t let it become my life. I am still me, I am still whole, but now I have what I want because I allowed it to come in instead of chasing it. My life continues, but now in a more fruitful way.