It’s been a while since I’ve made time to sit and write. There have been so many emotions I have bottled up and today I finally took a second and prepared myself to express it all.
About two weeks ago, my therapist and I sat down and she asked me to jot down all the good things that have been happening in my life. I wrote down my career accomplishments, my family recovering after several traumatic events, my social life flourishing, healing from situations that have hurt me, among several other things. She then asked me to write all the things that aren’t so good about my life, to which I could not pin point any negatives. Seemingly everything is okay. Which then raised the question: Why am I so depressed? We decided that the feeling I am having is that of melancholy. It’s a pensive sadness, over analytical.
If you know me, you know this is very on-brand for me. I have always been an over-thinker. I am constantly worried about the worst case-scenario. I am essentially the root of my own sadness and although I know the solution is to put myself at ease, I can’t seem to stop thinking. This wave has gotten to the point where I begin to hyper analyze my own reality. When I was little, I would at times look down at my hands and repeat “I am real, this is real life” in my head until I became hyper aware I’m alive. I would get dizzy and look around my room and become aware of reality. At the time, I didn’t realize what it truly meant. I convinced myself it was just a cool trick I could do, as most 10 year olds would. Now that I’m an adult, I realized that this is a realization of my own reality. Everything around me is real, I am alive and living. This “cool trick” has become the root of my anxiety.
I am in a constant state of questioning my own reality. I am hyper aware of my choices and accepting of the consequences. It has made me feel extremely selfish, I know lately all I’ve cared about is myself, but I am all that I have. When I spend time with others, I prioritize them in the moment. I joke and laugh with others, keeping a smile on my face. The second I’m alone, it all fades. My mind begins to wander to dark places and I question everything I’ve said or done. I am in constant battle with my own thoughts.
I have been told to switch my perspective, instead of looking at the darkness of reality to look at the beauty. Don’t get me wrong, I have re-read the list my therapist and I created of all the good things in my life and I use it as a reminder that not all is wrong. The positivity serves as a slice of hope that things will be better. That my reality is much more than the pain my inner monologue has created. I know one day all will be okay, but until then, the thoughts keep me up at night. They sit in the corner waiting for a second of silence to come to torment me.
If My Heart Could Speak 