When I was a little girl, I was afraid of sleeping with the door closed. There was something about the feeling of being alone in a dark, enclosed room that made me very anxious. I would ask my mom to sleep with me, I was always embarrassed by it but I was terrified of being alone. She would stay in my bed with me, then whenever she would watch me fall asleep, she would sneak a pillow behind me so I wouldn’t feel like I was alone and go to her bed. What she didn’t know is that I knew she would do this, so I would purposefully stay awake so she would never leave. She would leave anyway. But every time she did she would leave my door open because she knew the moment I was left alone in my room by myself, I would cry and panic. Her room was next to mine for this reason. Although she would leave, I knew she was right there and her door would remain open in case she heard me call for her in the middle of the night.
I never liked being alone. I grew up with plenty of company, whether it was my family, friends or silly middle school relationships. I was never alone. Lately so many things have been changing. I have been experiencing an intense and overwhelming feeling of loneliness regardless of my surroundings. I don’t understand why I feel this way, I still have family and friends and it feels selfish to feel this way but I can’t shake it off. I have never really felt this way and if I’m being honest it really scares me. I have nothing to keep me company besides my thoughts and my thoughts aren’t the prettiest. I spend a lot of time home alone which doesn’t really help my case. It’s quiet. I play music out loud and I clean to mask the isolation. You may be telling yourself “why doesn’t she just go out?” which is true, I can, but it would still be alone. As I write this, I’m sitting alone in a busy cafe. It’s nice, yes, but it’s a harsh reminder of how alone I am. Two girls sit across me, giggling, wearing matching outfits. To the right of me, a teenage girl showing her dad a video on her phone. I can count at least six couples who have come in and out the hour I’ve been sitting here. And right in the middle of it all, is me; alone, writing about how lonely I feel. It’s been hard to branch out and meet new people in my 20’s. My friendships consist of people I’ve met in work places and one or two friends from grade school. I yearn for human connection but I also fear the types of people I could encounter. Truthfully, I have been through a lot of intense friendships throughout the years to the point where people have drained the life out of me. I know I should go into things with an open mind, but when you’ve been betrayed before it’s hard not to. I openly choose to proceed with caution.
So now what? I acknowledge I’m lonely, I’m scared to make new friends, I don’t want to be in a relationship, my mom sleeps with her door closed. What should I do? Well, I have made the decision to be my own friend. I sleep with the door closed every night. I have found comfort in my desolate room. I’m uncomfortable going out alone, but I have to be uncomfortable to grow. So I force myself out of bed, get ready as if I’m seeing my friends or going on a date and I do things on my own. I will admit it gets really sad sometimes. I wish I had someone to come with me. Maybe a friend or a partner, but I can’t force people to spend time with me. So although I invite my friends or family out, when they decline I try not to take it personally and I go anyway. The most important thing I learned is to pick myself up when I’m down. I get sad a lot, I cry when no one is looking. I’m learning to hug myself instead of waiting for someone to come and rescue me. It’s still a work in progress, but I know this new found independence will serve me well. Although, I still sleep with a pillow behind, just so little Resii feels like she’s not alone.
If My Heart Could Speak 